The Brown Duck 2015 New Year's Predictions

"With so many fewer people now achieving a level of expertise in astrology it is unsurprising that every year we seem to know less and less about what lies in the future.  But since it's going to happen anyway, maybe it doesn't matter how little we prepare for it; and while some say that may doom the human race to repeat the mistakes of the past, perhaps it will also inadvertently result in a continuous repetition of those things that weren't mistakes.  Like, would anybody really object if the discovery of how to make jelly-filled doughnuts took place every year.  Think about it."

T. Quidd,  p. 742, The Big Book of Human Failures.  1956, Riner University Press and Bait Shop. 

What's In Store For 2015

1.   1.  The late Pope John Paul II, officially declared a Saint after two (or more) miracles following his demise were investigated and judged to be incontestably attributable to him, will not perform even a single small miracle in 2015.  The possibility of any 2016 saintly interventions is still under consideration by The Brown Duck Committee on Supernatural Marvels.  

22.    U.S. corporations headquartered outside of the United States in order to avoid paying U.S. taxes will initiate plans to exploit the newly opened Cuban Market while declaring Obama’s move to normalize relations with the tiny island nation to be un-American.

33.  Sarah Palin’s status as an insignificant Republican influence in 2014 will fade closer to obscurity in spite of family efforts to find profitable new roles in reality television programming.

4.4     The Sony Corporation will produce a re-make of The Full Monty starring Vladimir Putin.  North Korea will again protest by threatening to shut down Cuba’s only iPhone.

5. 5    Nancy Pelosi will stop putting on her own make-up and hire someone who knows what they’re doing.  Even so, whenever she speaks she will still sound like a piece of talking shit.

6 6.     There will be an unprecedented five posthumous sightings of Lonesome George Goble; all of them occurring in 7-11 stores where Elvis made previous posthumous appearances.  Very little excitement will be generated by the sightings. (you must be 55 or older to appreciate the sightings)

7 7.     Sex will be discovered for what it really is in both Mississippi and West Virginia. 

8 8.     Gun related deaths will increase.

9 9.     There will be no evidence of increased intellectual capabilities in Washington, D.C.

1 10  Dogs will remain the best people on Earth.

1  11  The Brown Duck guarantees that 2015 will not be the year the world comes to an end.  If we are wrong about this your money will be cheerfully refunded.

1   12  Corporate management will discover to their great satisfaction that there are at least two previously untried means by which they can screw over workers.  This will result in a nice bonus for someone.  But it won’t be you.

1    13  The average weight of urban dwellers in the United States will increase by 3.6 pounds.

1     14  Francis I will be increasingly admired around the world in spite of Rush Limbaugh’s objections. 

1.   15  Melissa Ledford Phipps will reach the age when joint wear and settling begin trending towards a progressive loss in height.  Internal organs whose special requirements remain unchanged will have to do something, and their options are few.  This may inspire attention diverting big new hairstyles.